Smiting Ruby One Shot at a Time
by lexwang
Summary: Originally published in the Smite The Ruby Thread on the CW Lounge, this is a collection of all my creative ways to kill off the character of Ruby. This is just for fun. Ratings are REALLY appreciated!
1. Chapter 1

**Sam tiptoes out of the room so as not to wake a sleeping Dean. He quietly closes the door, turns and almost runs right into Ruby, standing behind him.**

**"Oh, hey Ruby, how's it going?" Sam asks sheepishly.**

**"Sham." Ruby's expression doesn't change (have you noticed she has a lisp?).**

**"Listen, I was going to call you..."**

**"Really, Sham?"**

**"yea, I...uh...can't see you anymore. I told Dean I wouldn't use my powers anymore so...I'm afraid it's over for us...thank you for your help...and it's been...uh...real...uh..."**

**Ruby's expression doesn't change, "You can't do thish to me, Sham! You need me!"**

**Sam opens his mouth to respond and then focuses on someone standing behind Ruby, "Hello? Have we met?"**

**Ruby spins around, coming face to face with Castiel. Her expression doesn't change, "EEEEKKK!" she squeaks.**

**Castiel looks Ruby over like she's a bug under a microscope. "So, you're the one leading Sam down the road to eternal damnation? You understand, we can't let this continue. Your bad acting alone is making our viewers go watch CSI, not to mention your character is a cardboard cutout who has no clear definition and no real reason to be here that anyone can tell."**

**"No, pleash!" Ruby's expression doesn't change, "I can act, I can! I'm jusht given horrible linesh to shay! It's not my fault, it's the writersh!"**

**Examining her more closely, Castiel steps nearer, "Try saying 'I'm the one that gripped you tight and raised you from purdition' and have it not come out as a joke. I did it and won over the fans in four minutes. You've had three episodes and still, the fans can't stand you. Nope, this ends now."**

**Sam tries to step between them and Castiel touches his forehead, letting him drop like a stone to the floor. He looks sadly down at Sam and says, "Sorry big guy but I couldn't even **_**begin**_** to catch you. You'll have a headache but you'll be just fine."**

**Turning back to Ruby, he puts out a hand and a giant hammer appears.**

**Castiel looks sad as he swings it at her and Ruby's expression STILL doesn't change. With a scream, "Pleash shtop!" she turns to mist as the hammer swings through her.**

**Castiel turns and sees that Dean has been watching the whole scene.**

**Dean raises an eyebrow and says, "So where'd you send her...back to hell?"**

**"No" Castiel replies, "I sent her back to acting school. She needs some serious help. I was instructed to make sure she never comes back onto the show. Now, tell me...where do I find an Mr..." He checks a note in his pocket..."Kripke?" **


	2. Chapter 2

**Sam enters the Mini Mart just as his cell phone starts to ring. He looks at the caller ID and gives a big sigh. With impatience in his voice, he answers without saying hello, "Look, I'm getting the pie, ok?"**

**Screams in the background nearly drown out Dean's voice, "Sammy? Get back here quick!" Abruptly the line goes dead.**

**Sam drops the groceries he's holding and runs for the car. Speeding back to the hotel, he peels into the parking lot and screeches to a halt. He jumps out and runs for the door. Pulling his gun, he assumes a crouch as he approaches. He hears a girl screaming and Dean shouting and the unmistakable sounds of a fight going on. He yanks open the door, gun at the ready and stares in shock at what he sees.**

**Ruby stands in the middle of the room, black demon eyes flashing. As Sam watches, she slaps her cheek, yelling, "Get outta here, you shniveling little brat! Thish meat shuit ish mine!" Her other hand punches her chin, "I sent you to hell once, you no-talent witch, I can do it again!" Hitting herself in the stomach, she shrieks, "Hellmonger! White-eyed demon shpawn! Whiny baby!" Grabbing herself by the collar, she cries, "Barbie Doll bimbo! Gossip Girl wanna be! This is my body! Mine!"**

**Sam looks at Dean, who's sitting, drinking a beer, obviously enjoying himself, "Dean, what the hell's going on?"**

**Dean gives him a grin and shrugs, "Near as I can figure, it's a chick fight. It's kinda hot." He chugs his beer, slapping his knee and yelling, "Rip her shirt off!"**

**"Dean, focus!"**

**"Oh, sorry, Dude. I see a goldfish swim lately, I think it's hot. I spent a lot of time in hell, you know. Anyway, Ruby stopped by looking for you and when I told her to get lost, she called me an Angel Lover so I threw Holy Water on her. Next thing I know, she's fighting with herself. I think its Lilith and Ruby, Sam. I think they ended up in the same meat suit and didn't know the other was in there. Now, they're trying to kill each other…I thought I'd let them duke it out before I sent them both back to hell. Plus, I like watching them go at it…That's it…pull her hair!!"**

**"Dean, do you know how sick and twisted that is?" Sam gives him a dark look.**

**"Dude, I wasn't the one making it with the Doublemint Demons, was I?" Dean shoots back.**

**Suddenly, Ruby throws back her head and a plume of black smoke comes out each ear. The meat suit drops to the ground, useless (YES!!) and the smoke figures continue to slap and punch each other, screaming and swearing.**

**"Awesome! Smoke chick fight! Yeah! Hit her in the mouth!" Dean cheers, taking another swig of beer.**

**"Damn it!." Sam says, rushing in between the fighting demons and pushing them apart. His powers surge but one plume of smoke escapes under the door. He focuses his mind on the other smoky figure.**

**Ruby's voice screams at Sam, "NO, SHAM!" before suddenly freezing in place in fight stance.**

**Sam looks confused, staring at the black smoke statue before shooting a glance at Dean, "Huh…this has never happened before…"**

**Castiel's voice comes from behind, making both brothers spin around. "I did it. If you'd sent Ruby back to hell, Eric Kripke would have just brought her character back with another lame actress who has no talent and brings nothing to the story. This way, you can put a wig on her, put her in any scene and no one will ever notice…in fact, they may think her acting's improved."**

**Dean considers it and looks at Sam, who shrugs and nods. Dean smiles, slapping Sam on the back, "Sounds good to me…Sammy, let's go find a mud-wrestling bar."**


	3. Chapter 3

"**Ruby?"**

**"Yesh?"**

**"Thish ish God…."**

**"OMG! The God?"**

**"Yesh."**

**"Wow, you talk jusht like me!"**

**"That'sh sho you can undershtand me. I've come to ashk for your help."**

**"Shure, God! Anything!"**

**"I shee that you're trying to be a good demon and that'sh aweshome. I could ushe shomeone like you in heaven. Would you conshider a change of shcenery?"**

**"Really? Me in heaven? Are you shure?"**

**"Absholutely! You shee, you're acting ability is sho shuperior to anyone elshe on the shhow that I think you are being washted here on earth. You can act circlesh around Dean, Sham, Cashtiel and Bobby. You could come up and perform on the shtage for all of ush here. What do you think?"**

**"Well, now that you mention it, I am feeling a little shtunted on thish shtupid sshow. I've alwaysh thought I wash meant for bigger and better rolesh. Oh, what the hell! Shure I will!"**

**"Wonderful! That'sh wonderful! All you have to do is shtep into that pentagram right there next to you…do you shee it?"**

**"Yesh but…"**

**"What'sh the matter, Ruby? Don't you trusht God?"**

**"Er….yesh….uh…I gueshsh sho….."**

**"Then, jusht shtep into the pentagram and you're on your way to heaven to shtar in some of our biggesht shtage productionsh."**

**"Uh…I don't really undershtand but who am I to queshtion God?" Ruby steps into the pentagram and chanting comes from the voice above. She starts to cough and gag, hacking up black smoke by the cloudful which twirls and swirls around until it disappears in a fiery pop.**

**"YES!" High-fiving Castiel, Dean hands him back his angelic megaphone, saying, "I knew she'd fall for it. Not too bright, was she?"**

**"Hello?" A voice calls from below. Dean and Castiel see the girl still sitting in the pentagram, looking dazed and confused, "Doesh anybody know what'sh going on?"**

**Castiel covers the megaphone and whispers to Dean, "Gossip Girls.."**

**Dean snickers, takes the megaphone and clears his throat, "Genevieve?"**

**"Yesh?"**

**"Thish ish God..."**


	4. Chapter 4

**A loud knocking on the door wakes Bobby from a sound sleep. His hand immediately finds the knife under his pillow. Whoever it is sounds like they're coming in whether he wants them to or not. He puts a hat on his head and approaches the door on silent feet, the hairs on the back of his neck standing straight up, knife at the ready.**

**"BOBBY!!" Sam's voice, frantic, "BOBBY…LET US IN!"**

**Bobby pulls open the door, staring as Sam, shirtless, shoves Ruby inside and comes in after her, slamming the door shut behind him and leaning against it, breathing heavy.**

**"What's going on, Sam?" Bobby snaps.**

**"It's the fans, Bobby…they've gone crazy…" Sam pants.**

**Ruby stares woodenly at Bobby, her voice monotone, "I'm sho shcared…."**

**"What d'ya mean, the fans have gone crazy? What're they doin'?**

**"They grabbed Dean, for one thing…took him away…and that angel of his, too...they tried to grab me but I got away…They ripped my jacket off, then all twelve of my shirts, then my five t-shirts until I had nothing on! Good thing I've been working out..(Pauses to flex pecs) They said they had to save us from some demon of lisps (thanks, Okie!)"**

**Bobby pushes his hat back, "Demon of lisps…what the heck is that?"**

**"I think they're after Ruby, Bobby…I found her hiding outside our hotel room, cowering in the bushes…The fans were chanting "Smite the Ruby…" so I grabbed her and came here. I didn't know where else to go…"**

**"You did the right thing, boy. You'll be safe here. Let's see what we can find out about this lisping demon…" Bobby picks up a book and hands one to Sam.**

**Sam looks at him pointedly, "What about Ruby?"**

**Rolling his eyes, Bobby hands her a book too, "Sorry, forgot she was here…she's not very memorable, Sam."**

**Ruby stares at him blankly.**

**Bobby finds a reference almost immediately, "It says here that the demon of lisps has all the personality of a wet dishrag and is the most boring of all demons, easily fading into the background due to having no talent, no skills and no screen presence."**

**He continues reading, "Listen to this: 'A duper of writers and creators, the demon of lisps can slip into a talented persona for the purposes of a screen test but quickly loses all credibility once it comes time to show its chops on screen next to actors who actually have said talent.'**

**"Huh…" Bobby glances sideways at Ruby "You wouldn't know anything about that, right?"**

**Ruby shakes her head, vacantly staring up at Bobby, having no clue (sad, isn't it?) what he's talking about.**

**Sam cuts in, "Bobby…no…"**

**Bobby's eyes narrow at Ruby, "Say 'Simple Simon said stupid silly sentences'"**

**She takes a deep breath, "Shimple Shimon shaid shtupid shilly shentencesh…"**

**"Now say 'Bobby has the best booty in all of Buloxi'"**

**"Bobby hash the besht…"**

**"That's enough!" Sam snaps.**

**Bobby shrugs, "Sam, you need to clean up this mess. She's only on the show for you, seems like but no one knows what the heck she's really doing here. It's for the good of the show, Sam. If you don't do it, the fans will. They've already taken Dean and Castiel. They're coming for us, you know. Then there'll be no one to protect her. Sometimes, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few…or the one…"**

**"I get it, Mr. Spock…."**

**From outside comes the sound of chanting, getting louder and louder by the second, "SMITE THE RUBY! SMITE THE RUBY! SEND HER BACK TO ACTING SCHOOLY!" (ok, it stinks I know but you try rhyming with Ruby – booby, Scooby Dooby…I didn't have many options )**

**"Do it, Sam!" Bobby yells, going to bar the door.**

**"Sham?" Ruby looks up, trying to act confused and failing miserably cause she can't act at all, "What'sh he talking about?"**

**"Ruby.." Sam's eyes fill with tears, "I'm going to send you somewhere safe, where the fans won't ever be able to find you…" He sniffles and wipes his nose, pulling out the demon knife from the back of his pants.**

**With a smooth move, he stabs Ruby in the heart, catching her before she falls (and secretly wiping a booger on her shoulder), holding her while the black smoke pours out of her. He reaches out with his other hand and grabs the smoke, squeezing it with his fist and sending her demony smokey stuff back to hell.**

**The chanting is right outside the door now, the noise surrounding them. Sam drops the Ruby suit like a sack o' potatoes and unbars the door, swinging it wide open. He bravely steps outside to face the menacing crowd. At the sight of Sam shirtless, an silence sweeps over the women standing there.**

**Sam flexes his pecs and does his best Blue Steele, "I have Smited The Ruby…."**

**Women ooh and ahh, fainting and screaming at the sight of that beautiful mane of dark brown hair, the gold-flecked eyes, tasty lips with the slight smile playing over gleaming white teeth, the smooth tan chest, the delicious muscles, the run-your-hands-all-over-it-very-slowly six-pack…yum…sigh…**

**Oh, yeah, back to the story…**

**"The Ruby is gone to hell…and I will cast a spell on the Kripke so that no more talentless wannabees darken our already darkened hallways." Sam declares dramatically.**

**"Dude, why are you talking that way?" Dean staggers onto the porch, shirtless also (these women know what they're doing!) More screaming and fainting. Author picks herself up from the ground to finish the story…**

**"Dean!" Bobby says, "Thank God you're alright!"**

**"Castiel had to go get another shirt…he said an angel can't be shirtless on camera…it will burn up the women television viewers…You smitted…smooted…smowted…(sigh) you sent Ruby back to hell?" Dean asked.**

**Sam nodded, "Yes, Dean, with finality and permanality (is that a word? Evidently not cause my spell checker hates it) the Ruby is gone forever!"**

**"Sam, stop talking like that…Bobby, make him stop talking like that…"**

**"Sam, you're acting like an idjit…"**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sam's phone rings, waking him from a restless sleep. He immediately grabs it so it doesn't wake Dean.**

**"Hello?" he whispers. He listens intently and, closing his eyes, nods his head, "I'll be right there."**

**He slips out of bed and puts on his clothes as quietly as possible. He pauses, noticing a difference in Dean's breathing and then shakes his head. Must be his imagination. Dean doesn't move as Sam sneaks past his bed and out the door. Two doors down, he knocks twice. When the door opens, he steps inside and closes it behind him.**

**"Ruby, I told you I can't see you anymore…you have to stop calling me…"**

**Ruby stares at him, "Sham, thish concernsh you too. I had to call you."**

**"What concerns me? What's so important that you drag me out of bed in the middle of the night? Dean's gonna freak if he wakes up and I'm not there. His trust in me is shaky enough and finding me here with you would send him right over the edge…"**

**"Thish! Thish concernsh you!" Ruby shoves a piece of paper in his hand, "It's not fair, Sham, it's not!"**

**Sam opens the paper and looks at it, "Is this what I think it is?"**

**"Yesh! I've been fired! The demon corporate office pink-shlipped me…they shaid I'm inshubordinate! They think we're shleeping together… and apparently it'sh shpelled out shpecifically in the employee handbook that demonsh aren't shupposed to shleep with humansh. What am I shupposed to do now, Sham? Go on demon unemployment? I've got billsh to pay…black contact lenshes to buy, acting lessonsh to pay for, black leather pantsh…I had tenure! I had a 401K! Thish is all your fault!"**

**"Ruby, I shwear…I mean I swear I didn't know it was gonna go down this way or I would never have gotten you involved! What happened exactly?"**

**"All thoshe demonsh you've been shending back to hell gathered around the water cooler on break time and started gosshiping about ush. Word filtered up to the big bossh and they decided to turn me into an example sho that other demonsh wouldn't think inter-demonic relationshipsh were ok! Sham, I was jusht helping you out and now look what'sh happened!"**

**"I know, Ruby, and I'm sorry. I shoulda told the truth right away…as it is now, the fans think I'm either doing it with a dead chick or a demon-possessed body…either way, it's killing my reputation as a good guy, you know?**

**The door burst opens and in walks Dean, staring at them both suspiciously, "Something you want to tell me, Sam?"**

**"Dean, it's not what you think!"**

**"Sure it isn't. I totally believe you because you would never lie to me, would you? Cass told me I had to stop you and now I'm going to…" **

**Stepping over to Ruby, Dean quickly stabs her in the heart with the demon-killing knife, sending her demon smoke up in…uh…smoke. **

**Dropping the lifeless meat suit, Dean looks at Sam sadly, "Why'd you have to sleep with her, Sam? Do you know how sick and twisted that is? Tell me again how it's not what I think…"**

**"Dean, I didn't! I didn't sleep with her! You didn't have to send her back to hell, Dean! She was helping me! That's all!"**

**"Yeah, helping you use your powers for evil!"**

**"No, Dean…that was a cover! So was the sleeping with her! The secret is far worse than that…"**

**"What? More secrets, Sammy? Am I gonna have to hit you again?"**

**"Dean, I can't tell you…"**

**"You can tell me anything. I'm your brother…"**

**"Not this…you'd never understand…"**

**"Try me, Sam."**

**Sam turns away, mumbling under his breath, "I'm a fashion designer for women's lingerie…"**

**"You're a…a what?"****  
****  
Sighing, Sam squares his shoulders and faces Dean, "I design women's underwear, ok? The day you came back from hell and showed up at my door, I was sewing up my fall line and Ruby was trying some things on…you know, to give a woman's perspective on wear and comfort. I told her I'd order a pizza for us if she'd let me tailor some stuff on her. I was going to go on that new reality show as soon as I had enough of a line to show. Anyway, when you and Bobby showed up, we really were expecting a pizza…so…now you know everything…"**

**"Ruby was helping you? And you weren't sleeping together? And you're some wacky Bob Mackie? Sam…I thought I could accept anything about you because you're my brother…I'm ok with you being a demon monster dude with psycho powers, I'm ok that you like to pass gas on set, I'm even ok that you're a friggin' skyscraper in jeans but this…I …don't think I can accept this, Sam…"**

**"Dean, I'm good! I'm really good at this! You know that bra you found in my room? That's one of my best creations….I don't know if you noticed but Ruby's tatas were almost non-existent. With that bra, they turned into full-fledged hooters, giving both uplift and smooth contours without cutting into the shoulder."**

**"Do you hear yourself, Sam? What side of crazy are you not seeing here? You're really scaring me, brother."**

**"Dean, what's the big deal? I'm still a hunter…"**

**"What's the big deal? What are other hunters gonna think? I'd rather they think you were doing it with a demon! I mean…what are you doing? You work with half-naked women, feel up their bras and panties, have them model for you while you…" Dean's eyes open wide as realization dawns, "Dude…"**

**"Now, you're getting it…" Sam smiles.**

**"Do you need an assistant? I'm a good assistant. I could help them get the clothes on and off, you know, so they wouldn't have to strain themselves hooking hooks and snapping things…"**

**"Glad you're getting on board with this, Dean."**

**"Wait, so I didn't have to send Ruby back to hell?" Dean pauses and then shrugs, "Oh, well, she couldn't act, she had only one expression she used in every scene, she had an annoying lisp that bugged the crap out of me and as a demon she was a joke."**

**"She didn't mind wearing underwear on-camera, though. Now, I'm going to have to talk someone else into it and every female guest-star we have you either sleep with or kill. I'm running out of options, Dean…"**

**"Kripke will find us another annoying no-talent actress to replace this one, don't worry. I promise, I won't sleep with her or kill her until you say I can, ok? But, dude, I gotta be the assistant. You know, I'm gonna need a cool assistant name…like…Chaz or Francois or something…can you think of anything?"**

**"How about Igor, Dean?" Sam shakes his head, opening the door and walking out of the room. **

**Dean runs after him, "That's funny, Sam…real funny…."**


	6. Chapter 6

**Ruby stands by the window of the diner, watching Sam and Dean inside ordering dinner. Her lips move silently as she reads the "Special of the Day" sign…"P…I…E.." Realizing someone's standing next to her, she jumps back.**

**A devastatingly handsome man in an overcoat stands nearby. He tilts his head, focusing his blue eyes intently at her, "Ruby…"**

**"Yesh? Do I know you?"**

**"We know you" the man intones and touches her forehead with two fingers, "Remember…"**

**Fuzzy images, a house twirls in a circle, a witch flies by on a bicycle, a yellow brick road…sorry, wrong movie.**

**Fade to…  
A theatre in California…teenage Ruby in acting class, trying to be a tree and managing quite well with the whole 'standing still not doing anything but being a piece of wood' assignment.**

**Teacher looks sadly at Ruby. It seems to be her normal expression when with this particular student, "Can't you wiggle your leaves or pretend the wind is blowing you or something?"**

**Ruby looks at the teacher confused, "I don't have any leaves…"**

**Dejected, the teacher turns and walks away...**

**Fade to…  
Dinner Theater in Kansas…Ruby plays the heroine in an old-style cliff-hanger. In the first scene, her acting is so bad that the crowd boos and hisses at her instead of the villain. The audience throws popcorn at her whenever she walks on stage. When she is finally tied to the rail-road tracks at the end of the play, the train gets a standing ovation.**

**Fade to…  
Ruby wins a walk-on to Sesame Street where she shares the screen with Elmo.**

**"Tell me, Ruby, do you love sunshine and flowers?" Elmo asks her brightly**

**She picks Elmo up and throws him across the room. The children shriek in horror.**

**Ruby looks confused…"Did I do shomething wrong?"**

**Fade to…  
New York – Ruby tries out for daytime television. In her first love scene with a handsome co-star, he walks right by her because she blends into the scenery and starts kissing a standing coat-rack.**

**She taps him on the shoulder, "Excush me…I'm over here…"**

**Apologetic, he starts the scene again, trying to kiss her but failing because her lips don't move. Confused, he tries again, getting the same result.**

**"I'm sorry" he says with embarrassment, "Is there something wrong with your lips?"**

**Ruby nods, "I had them shewn into place sho I would alwaysh have full lucioush lipsh.."**

**Fade to…Last Season…  
Ruby runs up behind a man and gives him a hug around the waist. The man turns and smiles down at her. "Uncle Eric" she asks, "Can I shtill have a part in your TV sshow? You promished if I wash a good demon, I could…"**

**"Yes, Ruby…I promised you and I'll keep that promise no matter what the fans say about you and your acting ability…"**

**Fade to…  
A devastatingly handsome man in an overcoat stands nearby. He tilts his head, focusing his blue eyes intently at her, "Ruby…"**

**"Yesh?"**

**The man calmly says "You see, don't you, that your bad acting has really hurt a lot of people. Your drama teacher who felt like a failure because you were the one student she couldn't teach to be a tree…All those diners enjoying a pleasant family dinner at a local restaurant - all turned to the dark side, cheering for a train to run over you and kill you dead…The children you warped when you smacked down Elmo…your co-star who thought kissing a coat-rack was pretty hot and ended up with a weird wood fetish…We have to stop it. Your uncle's reputation is on the line…our ratings are on the line…and my wings are on the line if I let you continue to act on this show. It ends here…now. Do you understand?"**

**"Shure…it endsh here…now…uh…um…what endsh here and now?"**

**He sighs and raises his voice slightly, "I'm saying I'm going to smite you…vanquish you…dissolve your demony essence into a smoky haze…do you get it now?"**

**"…….uh….."**

**"Dead meat…slayed…killed…smooshed…"**

**"Shmooshed? You're going to shmoosh me? Nooooo…"**

**Suddenly, Ruby disappears in a cloud of smoke. Castiel raises his eyes to the heavens and listens, "Yes, I know…if I'm gonna shoot, shoot…don't talk…Sorry, chief.."**

**He walks slowly away into the night**


	7. Chapter 7

**In a quiet, dark motel room, Dean sleeps. His dreams are plagued by flashes of memories of his time in hell…screaming, blood, flashes just outside of his vision of figures writhing in torment.**

**Amidst it all, he hears a voice, annoying in its persistence, "Shammy ish my darling, my darling, my darling, Shammy ish my darling, my ducky ducky doo…"**

**He frowns in slumber, rolling over to fling an arm over his eyes.**

**The nightmarish voice continues, "Ok, minionsh…let'sh make this shucker'sh time in hell memorable…"**

**The memories flood over him. He is prodded with three-pronged tridents, sticking him in the ribs and stomach and legs, drawing blood wherever they touch…wounds rehealing and being poked again, over and over…then comes the branding irons…touching, burning like fire and rehealing to be burned again by hands that seem to float in space.**

**With effort, he strains to see past the hands, his dream-state blurry and smeared. He follows the hands up past the arms to the shoulders and finally, sees the face of his tormentor.**

**It's a familiar face…wooden expression, no flicker of emotion in the eyes or face, lips stuck in position as if sewn in place…lips that lisp…RUBY!!!**

**With a start, Dean awakens, sitting ram-rod straight up in bed. "That bi-", So angry, he can't complete the thought, he turns on the light between the beds and kicks the one his brother is sleeping in, "SAM!"**

**Sam immediately sits up, alert to danger from the tone of Dean's voice, "What?...Dean? what is it?"**

**Dean pulls on pants and a shirt, "It's Ruby, Sam! She was there in hell, with me…she was the one … dammit, you shoulda let me send her back to hell when I had the chance…She wasn't sent there by Lilith, Sam…SHE LIVES THERE! She's the Tormentor! The one that gets the newbies…she breaks them…breaks their will, their spirit, their bodies….over and over again…it's never ending…and she was doing that to me…and she was enjoying it…"**

**Grabbing his jacket, Dean turns to Sam "Where's the knife? I'm gonna send her so far back to hell she'll never get out…How did she get out in the first place? I thought only angels could pull people from hell..."**

**"Dean, hold on…" Sam grabs clothes and hurriedly throws them on, "Are you sure it was Ruby?"**

**"Sam, I know the passionless delivery, the expressionless face, the shtupid, shilly, lishp! Yes, it was Ruby!"**

**"Ok, Dean, ok…let's just figure out what we're dealing with here…If Ruby can walk in and out of hell on her own, just sending her back there isn't going to accomplish anything…let's just think for a minute!"**

**Sam walks over to the table and switches on the light. He rapidly flips pages in a thick book there and slaps a page, "I knew it! I thought it sounded familiar!"**

**Dean walks over and looks over Sam's shoulder, reading out loud, "The Tormentor is a would-be thespian who cannot act their way out of a brown paper bag and who has been ridiculed their entire lives for having no talent, no flair, no screen presence and no ability other than to take up space and add to the background of certain scenes. Years of being laughed at and mocked have caused the Tormentor to build up a shell of anger through which normal means of exorcism cannot penetrate. Thus, these beings take pleasure at causing pain to others and are commonly employed in hell to welcome newly damned souls to the abyss."**

**Dean looks at Sam, "So how do we kill the witch?"**

**Sam smiles, "I think I have an idea…"**

**After explaining the plan to Dean and getting the room ready, Sam lights candles and chants a few Latin sentences, "Om-kay o-te em-a, oob-ree"**

**Dean raises an eyebrow and Sam shrugs, embarrassed, "She likes to be summoned in pig Latin…"**

**With a poof and a pop, Ruby appears in the room. She looks around and, seeing Sam, comes to stand near him, "Shammy…my Shamshon…I knew you'd want me back…"**

**Blushing because of the look Dean is giving him, Sam clears his throat, "Ruby, you know I couldn't be without you for long…Listen, I've been telling Dean about how well you can act and he doesn't believe me…"**

**Ruby gives Dean a bland, expressionless look, meant to be scary but failing miserably.**

**Sam continues, "So I thought you could give him a little demonstration. You know how much I love it when you play Juliet…can you…for me, Rubes?"**

**Ruby nods, "Anything for you, my Sham…"**

**She puts down her head for a second and then stands up straight, putting the back of one hand against her forehead, "What'sh in a name? That which we call a roshe, By any other word would shmell ash shweet…."**

**She stops and looks at the boys. Sam claps and nods, "Yeah!" and looks at Dean, encouraging him to do the same.**

**Dean gives Sam the 'are you nuts?" look but obligingly claps his hands and yells, "Awesome!"**

**"More!" Sam shouts.**

**"Good-night, good-night! Parting ish shuch shweet shorrow…That I sshall shay good-night till it be morrow…" Ruby trails off.**

**"BRAVO!" Sam applauds loudly and smiles proudly at Ruby.**

**Dean whistles and stomps, "Yeah! Woo-hoo!"**

**Ruby scuffs her foot on the ground, "Come on, you guysh…it washn't that good…" and gives them a slight smile, relaxing her guard.**

**Sam shoots Dean a look and walks up next to Ruby, putting an arm around her shoulders to give her a squeeze, "You're just being modest! You're one of the best actresses I know! You command the room when you're in a scene!**

**"Sham, that'sh why I shtay with you…you're the only one who'sh ever tried to shee the good in me…that'sh why I love you, Shammy…"**

**"I know you do, Ruby…that's why I know that I have to be the one to do it…because I'm the only one who can get through your shell of anger…it has to be me…" Sam tightens his grip on her, "But I can't do it alone…Dean?"**

**"Cas?" Dean calls and Castiel appears on the other side of Ruby.**

**She jumps, "What'sh going on, Sham?"**

**Dean steps forward and plunges the knife into her heart. Sam places his hand over Ruby's mouth and stops the demon smoke from rising, catching it easily in his hand and holding it there. Castiel looks at Sam and reaches out, placing his hand on top of Sam's. The demon smoke swirls and then becomes an electrical current, snapping and sparking until with a bolt of lightening, it's sent heavenward with an ear-rending screech…**

**Castiel takes Sam's hand and turns it over, showing a burn on his palm where he held the demon back. Castiel waves his hand and Sam's burn is healed, the flesh now smooth and pink.**

**Sam smiles at Castiel, "Thanks."**

**Castiel nods, "Thank **_**you**_**. Good work…both of you. We were aware the Tormentor was here on Earth but didn't know the identity until it was revealed in Dean's dream. You have not only saved all of humanity from present and future roles this actress would have held, you've saved all damned souls from her terrible acting as well…There will be another Tormentor assigned but not for many years to come…A bad actress like that only comes along once in an eon. The world is safe for your lifetime and the lifetime of most of your viewing audience."**

**Dean asks,"So where did you send her?"**

**"To the Limbus of Mercy…it's an antechamber of Heaven…she'll be reprogrammed, retaught…she'll take acting lessons and get her lips unsewn…she'll get her soul restored and if she wants, she can either go to her eternal rest or join the Not Ready For Celestial Time Players and hone her craft. Either way, she won't be able to come back to earth…ever…we're not like Hell…we don't have a revolving door where people just come and go as they please. Maybe in two thousand years, she can get a day pass but there's forms to fill out in triplicate and approvals to get…it's not easy…chances are she's gone for good."**

**Castiel walks away, fading into air as he goes, "Until we meet again…"**


	8. Chapter 8

**Bright sunlight streams through the kitchen window. Sam sits at the table, reading the newspaper and drinking a glass of ice cold milk, which does a body good (* shamelessly puts in product placement*). **

**A knock at the door and Dean breezes in without waiting, "Sammy…how's my little brother?"**

**"Dean…hey…where you been? You didn't say two words to me after the wedding. You just took off."**

**"Are you settling down into married life ok? You're looking good…"**

**"Yea, I'm getting used to it. It's kinda nice putting clothes into a closet and knowing I don't have to pack 'em back up again the next day."**

**"And…how's Booby?"**

**"Her name's Ruby, Dean…grow up…"**

**"Come on, Sammy…I accepted the fact that you wanted to marry a demon, ok? I think I've come a long way…"**

**"She came back from hell like you…touched by an angel (*shamelessly rips off title of old show*), put back into her original body, with her original soul intact…re-soulinated, kinda like your virginity. This is the real Ruby…she's not a demon anymore… so stop calling her that, ok?"**

**"And you have proof of that how?"**

**"I told you, Dean…She told me so, ok? And she showed me the hand print on her…well, she showed me the hand print. It looks just like the one you have. I believe her. Besides, how else would she get out of hell? Bobby said the only way was to have an angel pull you out…"**

**At that moment, Ruby comes into the kitchen and sees Dean sitting at the table. "Oh, hi, brother-in-law…" she says flatly.**

**"There she is…always a vision…" Dean says sarcastically.**

**Ruby comes to stand next to Sam. He puts an arm around her waist, saying, "Dean stopped by to say hello, sweetie…maybe he can stay for dinner?"**

**"Of course, Shammykins…" Ruby stares unblinkingly at Dean.**

**Sam stands up, "I'm gonna go wash up…be right back…"**

**An awkward silence falls over the room after he leaves. **

**Dean clears his throat "So, Ruby…demon no more, huh? How convenient for you…to be sent back to hell by Lilith and then to be plucked out by some angel…"**

**"Yesh…"**

**"Tell me, where is this angel who snatched you from the pit?"**

**"Well…uh..er…heaven?"**

**"Good answer. You know, it turns out that not only angels can grab souls out of hell. Sometimes, so can certain writers who can't seem to let a bad character die…"**

**Ruby stares at Dean, admitting nothing.**

**Dean snaps at her abruptly, "You sure duped poor Kripke, didn't you, Ruby? How did you ever convince him you could act, you no-talent, flat, emotionless piece of wood!?"**

**Her eyes quickly turn black, "Meanie Deanie! I can sho act! Watch thish!"**

**She stares at him, unmoving. **

**Dean shakes his head, "I knew it! I knew you were still a demon! What, am I supposed to be seeing something here?"**

**Ruby ticks off on her fingers, 'I gave you my angry look, my shurprised look and my shad look….I even got a tear, shee?" and wipes an invisible tear from her cheek.**

**"You have GOT to be kidding me…you really think you can act, don't you? That's just sad…"**

**Suddenly, Dean is thrown backwards and pinned against the wall. Surprised, he looks at Ruby. **

**She walks towards him, "I came back from hell a little more powerful than when I went. I didn't want it to be like thish, Dean. All I want ish to be with Sham and for you to leave ush alone. Can't you jusht go away and let ush be? He doeshn't ever need to know I'm shtill a demon…it can be our little shecret…"**

**"Too late for that, Ruby…" Sam walks in, staring at her black demon eyes and his brother pinned to the wall, "You sure fooled me…so is this body you're in dead or are you just possessing some poor girl?"**

**"Sham…"**

**"No! Tell me, Ruby…have I been sleeping with a dead chick? Cause that's just…"**

**"Ewww…" Dean pipes in from the wall.**

**"Thanks, Dean…I got this…" Sam flings over his shoulder, "Ok, first, let my brother go…"**

**With a thump, Dean hits the floor. He picks himself up, swearing under his breath at Ruby. **

**Sam walks over to Ruby, towering above her menacingly, "Tell me the truth…"**

**"She'sh alive, Sham…"**

**"Oh, great!" Sam says derisively, "Well, that makes it all better then. Now, it's not just Ewww…it's Holy CRAP!"**

**"I had to lie to you, Sham, pleashe try to undershtand…"**

**"And the hand print? How did you fake that?"**

**"It'sh a tattoo…"**

**Sam, barely able to contain his anger, extends a hand towards her.**

**"Sham, no! You love me! We're married…you can't just shend me back to hell…what are you going to tell our friendsh? Our neighborsh? Our bridge club?"**

**Ruby starts to retch, black smoke billowing out of her mouth, "Sham….noooooo…"**

**With a final hurl, she drops to the ground and Sam squeezes his hand, burning up the smoke in a flash of light.**

**"I'm gonna tell them there was no living with you and you went back home where you belong, you demonic ditz" Sam says, breathing heavy.**

**Dean comes up behind him and claps him on the shoulder, "Looks like you better start packing up all that stuff in your closet, Sammy…Let's hit the road. We have work to do…(*shamelessly rips off Supernatural catch phrase*)"**


	9. Chapter 9

**The sign up ahead catches in the glare of the headlights as Ruby drives up. 'Camp Crystal Lake'**

**She sees Sam standing next to the sign, just where he said he'd be. Ruby stops the car and he quickly gets in, glancing at her before saying simply, "Drive…" he points towards the lake in the distance, "There"**

**She obligingly puts the car in gear, stepping on the gas as she questions, "Want to tell me what'sh going on, Sham? You tell me to shtay away from you, that you're not going to ushe your powersh anymore and I do what you ashk. Then you call me in the middle of the night and tell me that I have to come right away…it'sh an emergency…where are we anyway?"**

**Sam doesn't answer and Ruby shrugs, not really caring where they're going or what his problem is as long as she's getting camera time…finally.**

**Rounding the lake, a group of cabins appear. At Sam's nod, she parks in front of them and waits, giving him her "I'm starting to get angry look" but her expression doesn't change at all. Sam sees her staring hard at him but just looks back confused. He gets out of the car and slams the door. Ruby follows, saying over the hood of the car, "I'm shtarting to get angry…"**

**Sam looks at her, "Really? I didn't know that's the emotion you were going for. You should flare your nostrils or something. I used to have to do that when I first started…before I …you know…knew how to act…",**

**She tries it, inhaling so hard her nostrils get huge. Suddenly, she hacks and coughs, "Thanksh, Sham. I jusht shucked up a bug…"**

**A loon's lonely cry sounds from the lake and out of the dark comes, 'chi chi chi…….ha ha ha…' **

**Ruby looks around, "What wash that?" **

**"What was what?" Sam asks innocently.**

**Confused, she shakes her head and trails off, "I thought I heard….nothing…never mind…Sham, let'sh get out of here. It's shpooky."**

**"Ruby, you're a demon. You're spooky…"**

**"Oh, yeah. I forgot…"**

**'chi chi chi…ha ha ha'**

**"What ish that noishe?!" Ruby asks loudly.**

**"What noise?" Sam replies.**

**"Shounds like…kinda like a cricket giggling…you don't hear it?"**

**Sam listens and shakes his head, "Nope…nothing."**

**He starts walking towards the cabins and Ruby follows. **

**She stops quickly, "You don't hear that either?"**

**Sam listens, "Ruby, I don't hear anything, ok? It's just your imagination. Now come on!"**

**"No, Sham…shomeone'sh following ush. I hear footshteps. They shtop when we shtop." Ruby peers behind them into the gloom. She reaches out and grab Sam's arm, walking fast only to stop short a minute later, throwing a hand out to stop Sam. Twigs snap behind them and the sound of footsteps can be clearly heard. **

**"I told you, Sham!" Ruby wheels around, "Come on out, you twig shnapping, laughing cricket shtalker!"**

**'Chi Chi Chi….Ha…Ha…Ha…'**

**Sam looks at Ruby and smiles oddly, "Ruby, I told you I wouldn't send you back to hell and I'm keeping my word. But that doesn't mean I can't get someone else to do it. Even Jason the Hockey Mask Maniac in my new movie acts better than you do! I made a deal…told him I'd make sure to get him another acting job if he did something for me…"**

**A flash of movement and Ruby sees a tall figure in a hockey mask (Jason the Hockey Mask Maniac) coming out of the woods, brandishing a knife…her knife! He starts running straight at her.**

**Ruby backs up and trips over a stump. She looks at Sam blankly and says dully, "Sham…help…pleashe…"**

**She scrambles to her feet, looking back at Jason the Hockey Mask Maniac with no expression on her face at all, "Don't let him kill me, Sham…" she monotones as she starts to run. **

**Sam steps back out of the way to allow Jason the Hockey Mask Maniac to pass. As he runs by, Sam hears the voice under the mask chant "Chi Chi Chi…Ha Ha Ha….Chi Chi Chi…Ha Ha Ha…"**

**Sam jogs after them, arriving just in time to see Jason the Hockey Mask Maniac stab Ruby in the chest. His chanting is becoming annoying…"CHI CHI CHI HA HA HA!!!" Ruby's black smoke erupts out of her body. Sam reaches out his hand to capture it, squeezing it into flames and sending Ruby's soul back to hell. **

**Jason the Hockey Mask Maniac tilts his head at Sam, "Chi Chi Chi Ha Ha Ha?"**

**"Yea, man, good job…you kept your part of the bargain so now I'll keep mine. How would you like to play a demon on my TV show? You could wear a wig and I can call you 'Ruby'. My writer won't ever know the difference between you and," Sam motions towards the dissipating smoke, "her…you don't need to know how to act, you won't have very many lines and all you'll have to do is stand around looking scary. That's more than she ever did. Tell me, what do you look like under the mask?"**

**Jason the Hockey Mask Maniac reaches up and removes it. His face is disfigured and scarred from at least eight other sequels. **

**Sam winces and then, taking a closer look says, "Ok, well, you're not too pretty but I think we can work with it…A little cover-up will do wonders. I'll get the makeup people to work on you. One thing, though, you're going to have to stop making that noise…"**

**"Chi Chi Chi Ha..?"**

**"Yea, that one. Tell me, can you say 'Sham'?"**

**"Sham Sham Sham….ha ha ha…"**

**Sam sighs and slaps Jason the Hockey Mask Maniac on the back, "I like it! Just keeping practicing…" **


	10. Chapter 10

Note: The timeline is all off on this but I thought it was funny anyway

**Dean walks into the hotel room, "Hi Sam, I'm back from hell!" **

**He sees a smoking mess in the middle of the floor and Sam sits on the bed dejectedly.**

**Dean frowns, "What's that?" **

**"It's Ruby, Dean…We were starting to kiss and things were getting hot and heavy. She took off my shirt and took one look at my abs and…that's what happened…."**

**"Ruby?! You're sleeping with a demon, dude?"**

**"Not anymore, I'm not."**

**"What were you thinking, Sammy? Do you know how wrong that is?"**

**"I wasn't thinking, Dean – at least not with my brain…"**

**"Probably just as well it happened when you took off your shirt, Sammy. If that had happened when you were in the throes…you might have burned off some body parts, if you know what I mean…heh..heh…"**

**"I guess…but if I can't even get laid by a demon…what hope is there for me? I knew I shouldn't have done all those situps…"**

**"Yea, but you looked great on-camera, dude! **

**Sam shrugs, "Actually, it's just as well…she had these weird lips that didn't move…Well…guess I'll go work out and be ready for my next shirtless scene."**

**Dean smirks, "I hear the maid is available…and she's a much better actress…"**

**"I don't know, Dean…"**

**"Her lips move, Dude…"**

**Sam ponders that a moment and smiles, "She was quite a woman, wasn't she? Maybe I'll get her number..."**

**"That's my boy!" Dean slaps him on the back, "Now cover up those abs before I go up in smoke..."**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sam wakes up from a deep sleep, hearing weeping near his head. He turns his head to see Ruby crouching next to him. He sits up quickly and checks on Dean. Snoring comes from the next bed and Sam relaxes slightly. He rolls out of bed, grabs Ruby and hustles her into the bathroom. Shutting the door, he turns to her, "What are you doing here?"**

**"Sham…everyone hatesh me becaushe I sheduced you! Now, the fansh are shaying I can't act AND I'm a demon-shlutty-girl. I can't win! The angelsh don't like me. Dean looksh like he'sh going to throw up every time he looksh at me and you…"**

**"What have I done?"**

**"You won't even touch me like a good love interesht should. You don't kissh me, you don't hold my hand, you don't put your arm around me. You didn't even let me shtay the night after we were together! You shoved me out into the hall, naked and threw my clothesh out after me…Why, Sham?...why don't you love me?"**

**"Shhhh….keep it down would you? Ruby, you're not a love interest…you were just a reason for me to get my shirt off. I could have had just as hot a scene with a pillow…"**

**"That's not true, Sham! You wanted me…I know you did…"**

**Sam rolls his eyes, "I told you, Ruby…it was a one time thing…. Do you really think I'd ever have touched you if I hadn't been drunk for two months straight and my brother wasn't wallowing in hell? After we were together, you kept showing up wherever I was wearing only your underwear. I thought it was a little weird…I mean, it's freaking cold in Vancouver! Now I see you were just trying to get me into the sack with you again. That is never gonna happen! You're a demon! To think we could ever have a relationship is ridiculous! It's sick and twisted and disgusting! Plus, you have ash breath! Your kind is what I've been hunting and killing my whole life. I'm not going to forget everything I am and what I stand for just because I had one moment of weakness!"**

**"Well, good for you, Mr. Abs of Shteel! I jusht came by to tell you I'm leaving you for shomeone that really appreciatesh me! He shays I'm the only thing good in the world and I give him warm fuzzies in hish tummy!" (You know where I'm going with this, right?) Teddy doeshn't care about my breath! Teddy lovesh me! You're just a racisht!"**

**"Teddy?"**

**"My shnuggly T-Bear. When I met him, he was depresshed and shad…and had a huge hole in the back of his head for shome reason. I shtuffed him and shewed him and we had hot shteamy shex…at leasht, I think we did…it'sh a little hard to tell with all that fur. But it doeshn't matter! I love him and he lovesh me! Sho, I came to tell you goodbye and that ash a boyfriend, you shtink!" She stomps out of the bathroom and Sam hears the outer door close. **

**** Two weeks later ****

**Sam and Dean sit watching football. A late-breaking news story interrupts their game. **

**The newscaster looks flustered, "This just in…a giant teddy bear runs rampant through the city with a smoke filled glass jar screaming that demons are among us. He's stopped by a burly bearded man wearing a baseball cap who begins spouting Latin at the jar. The jar explodes and the smoke is dissolved. **

**The teddy bear is taken to the hospital with glass shards embedded in his fur, yelling,"Whhhhyyyyy....."**

**and the bearded man has disappeared…If you have any information on any of this ridiculous story, please contact our news desk."**

**Sam and Dean look at each other with mouths hanging open…**


	12. Chapter 12

**A darkened room glows with candle light. Ruby is tied to a table, gagged, screaming as a knife slices her meat suit over and over again. **

**Suddenly, the gag is removed and a voice hisses, "My lissssp issss way better than yourssss, Girly…" as another slash from the demon knife is delivered.**

**"You talk like a shishy, Alishtair…" Ruby's voice is lifeless, "Wait till I get out of here and I'll shhow you shome shpit action!"**

**"Sssspit away…I want that angel…and you're going to tell me where sssshe issss or I'll jusssst keep ssssslicing away until you do!"**

**"Blech…shomebody get me a towel sho I can wipe off my face!" Ruby tries to act sarcastic.**

**"Where issss the girl?" Alistair hisses.**

**"If I tell you, you'll shpit all over me and then you'll kill me…I'll have to shhow you…"**

**"What do you take me for…an imbecssssile?"**

**"No, I think you're an ashole but untie me and I'll take you to her…"**

**Alistair unties Ruby and she wipes the drool off her face, "Shombody needs to put a bib on you…"**

**He grabs her and puts the knife under her chin, "Sssshut your mouth, you sssstupid goody two sssshoes! You give all demonssss a bad name…"**

**"Well, at leasht I don't act like a really bad De Niro…I mean, who are you channeling anyhow?"**

**"At leasssst I can act….No one even rememberssss what you ssssay…the fanssss hate you becausssse you usssse up sssscreen time with your boring, no-direction character, your flat dialogue delivery and your weird lipssss….they don't even move…that'ssss jusssst wrong!"**

**"They do too move! I jusht can't enunchiate too well…"**

**"ENOUGH!!!" Uriel's powerful voice booms out overhead, "I've had enough of this bickering, this crap acting, this boring scene and this flood of spit on the floor! I'm done!"**

**With that, the angel takes a humongous Stain Stick out of his pocket, waves it and both Ruby and Alastair disappear in a cloud of smoke and water droplets. **

**Uriel puts the Stain Stick back in his pocket and takes out a hanky, wiping off his face, "Can somebody get a mop in here?" **


	13. Chapter 13

**Ruby walks into the motel room where she is surprised to find Dean waiting for her.**

**"Where's Sham?" she asks flatly.**

**"Sam had to go do laundry. It's just you and me…"**

**"But, he called me to come meet him here."**

**Dean raises an eyebrow, "That was me, Ruby…"**

**"Why would you…what'sh going on, Dean?"**

**"Sam told me everything, Ruby…about how you took advantage of him and used his body for your own lusty purposes…about how he was just a helpless pawn manipulated by your demony wiles into being the bean stalk to your Jack."**

**Ruby's nostrils flare, "That'sh not true! I love Sham! I've been redeemed! I've sheen the errorsh of my waysh and I have been shaved!"**

**"Relax…I'm good with you doing my brother…"**

**Ruby's eyes open wide "You …you are?"**

**Dean nods, "Sure…I mean, who am I to judge? Demons are people too, right? You're all just misunderstood…"**

**"That'sh right…I'm glad you're ok with all thish. I thought you'd be more upshet."**

**Dean shakes his head, "No…but it did make me think that maybe you ought try the other side of the coin before making a decision…"**

**Ruby looks confused, "What do you mean?"**

**"Well, only trying on one Winchester is kinda like having your apple pie naked. You gotta try it with the cream on top before you make your decision."**

**"And you're the cream?"**

**"Of the crop, sweetheart…"**

**"Aren't you worried about Sham finding out?"**

**"Are you going to tell him? I sure won't…"**

**"Well, I mean…I've never thought about you that way but…you are kinda cute, I guess…in a lawn-mower cut your hair, prettier than I am kinda way…Oh, what the hell…let'sh do it!"**

**"Awesome! You sit right over here. I'll do a strip tease for you…"**

**Dean reaches up and starts to unbutton his flannel shirt. Slowly, his fingers move from button to button, his eyes never leaving Ruby's. He reaches the ends of the buttons and pulls off the shirt. He reaches up and starts to unbutton his next flannel shirt. Slowly, his fingers move from button to button, his eyes never leaving Ruby's. He reaches the ends of the buttons and pulls off the shirt. **

**Ruby starts to look mildly uncomfortable.**

**Dean runs his hands up his body and starts on the third flannel shirt. He sensuously unbuttons that shirt and pulls it off slowly. His t-shirt hugs his muscular chest and tight torso.**

**Ruby begins to get red in the face. Her demon-eyes turn black.**

**Dean pulls off his t-shirt slowly over his head. He flexes his biceps and Ruby gasps, coughing up a burp of black smoke.**

**Dean pulls off his next t-shirt, slowly off one arm and then off the other and again, over his head.**

**Ruby's face gets redder and redder. She coughs again and a larger plume of smoke comes out. She starts to hyperventilate, panting with desire at the sight of Dean's still t-shirt clad body.**

**Dean finally pulls off the last t-shirt slowly over his head and drops it to the floor. **

**Her chest heaving with passion, Ruby is trembling, barely able to contain herself. **

**Dean runs his hands over his bare chest and Ruby hacks up another tendril of smoke. He smiles at her and reaches down to undo the top button of his jeans. **

**As he slowly slides down the zipper, Ruby starts to retch, her black demony-smoke rolling out of her in waves. She falls to the ground, coughing and hacking up her demon fog. She puts a hand over her mouth and Dean flexes his pecs at her. That sends her over the edge and with one final gasp, the last of her demon smoke is spewed out.**

**With her end breath, she looks up to see Dean smiling down at her menacingly. "You see, Ruby…there's no way I'd ever touch a skank like you and neither should my brother!" **

**He watches as the smoke rises up towards a devil's trap on the ceiling. Her soul is sent back to hell and the lifeless meat suit smolders on the ground. **

**Sam comes in the room with a bag of laundry. He sees Ruby's dead body on the ground, "Dean, what the hell happened to Ruby?"**

**"Sam, I had to do it. There's no way I'd ever trust a demon and you wouldn't listen to me. I had to send her back to hell. And now I know I'm just as special as you are. You may have demon blood but I have holy pecs! You have to use your mind to send demons back to hell but all I have to do is get naked and they smite themselves!"**

**"Great…you were full of yourself before…now, there'll be no living with you…"**

**"Come on, Sam…we have to get you steam-cleaned to make sure you didn't catch any demon diseases and then we have to get you laid by a living, breathing, human, woman! And you're going to forget all about how you did it with a demon. It's all a bad memory." Dean waves his hand at Sam, "These aren't the droids you're looking for…"**

**"Dude…cut it out…"**


	14. Chapter 14

In an abandoned cabin in the woods, snow swirls around in the windy night, the moon overhead lighting up the sky. This is where demons stay when they have no where else to go. Inside, Ruby hears a noise coming from the stone fireplace that stands cold and empty. She watches a big man in a red suit land in the hearth with a thump, eyes twinkling at her in the moonlight.

"Who are you?" She asks.

"I'm Santa Clause, Ruby, come to give you your Christmas present." The chubby-cheeked cherub (oh, yea – say that three times fast…) responds.

"Shanta Claushe? OMG!! No way! You really brought me a preshent?"

"I sure did, Ruby. According to my list, you've been a nice demon this year, what with saving Sam and all…only thing you did naughty was taking advantage of Sam while he was drunk, miserable and depressed."

"Sham wanted me! I know he did! He wouldn't have tried to eat my face if he didn't want me!"

"No, Ruby…he didn't really want you and if he'd a been right in the head, he never woulda touched you. He would never a slept with a demon if he'd a been normal."

"Shanta…you shound very familiar….have we met before?"

The man ignores her question, choosing instead to root around in a red velvet bag he pulls from his shoulder. "Here you go, Ruby" he says, handing her a large box.

"Oooohhhh, preshentsh!! I love preshentsh!!!"

She rips open the package and pulls out a tape recorder. "What'sh thish, Chrishtmash mushic?" she asks, pushing the play button.

A Latin exorcism comes spewing out of the machine and Ruby begins coughing and hacking, her smoke coming out of her in waves.

Santa pulls out folded piece of cardboard, unfolds it and holds it over Ruby's head. A tiny devil's trap is drawn on it. Ruby continues to retch, belching out plumes of black until finally, with one more burp, she is expelled from the meat suit. The body falls back, lifeless and Ruby is smited, sent back to hell for the last (it better be!) time.

Santa reaches up and pulls off his red hat, dropping it onto the body. He pulls off the fake beard and it joins the red hat. Pulling another hat out of his back pocket, he puts it on his head and scratches his brown beard, shaking his head and utters one word before disappearing into the night, "Idjit"


	15. Chapter 15

Humming 'Deck the Halls' off key, Ruby is on her way to bring a Christmas tree to her "Shammy", making her way to his motel through back streets and alleyways, so no other demons will see her carrying something so sappy. Passing the Impala in the parking lot, she stops suddenly, an idea making her smile. Taking an ornament and some tinsel off the tree, she winds it around the Impala's antennae, standing back to take in the effect and nodding…very festive!

She goes to the door and knocks, holding the Christmas tree in front of her, silently watched from afar by an angry entity that fairly shakes with hatred at the demon's very presence.

Sam opens the door and stands back, allowing the nastiness to enter the Winchester's current home. The vengeful spirit seethes at this, wanting to crush the meat suit the demon is wearing, barely able to contain a roar of helplessness at not being able to rush forward and yank Ruby out of the sanctity she has just defiled. Her boys, HERS, and that skanky demon is sucking up to them, pretending to be good but the spirit knows…Ruby means them harm.

Suddenly, the door opens and Ruby comes out, waving goodbye to Sam. Dean, in the background frowns suddenly and squints but the door is shutting, cutting off her view of her loves, her boys. Turning her attention back to the evil spawn that is Ruby, a growl starts low in her throat and, when Ruby steps off the curb, she SPRINGS, dragging Ruby down and under, crushing the demon with all her weight. Snarling now, she pulls back to do it again, to take out the evil Ruby once and for all when suddenly…

"Whoa, Baby…" Dean opens up her door and gets in, petting her dashboard nicely. Her snarl reduces to a purr under his gentle touch and she lovingly lets him put her in reverse, backing her up from the now smooshed Ruby. Sam stares in shock at the Impala which leaves bloody wheel tracks as Dean moves her backwards.

Dean joins Sam and they both look down at Ruby, who's pretty much done for. Sam reaches out a hand and pulls her demon smoke out of her with ease, sending her back to hell with a tightening of his fist.

Both boys look back at the car and then at each other.

Sam begins, "Dean, what the –?"

"Take a look" Dean motions to the tinsel and ornament on Baby's antennae, "I think Ruby made her mad when she put that lame crap on her…"

Sam tilts his head at the car, "I may be crazy but it looks like she's smiling…"

"I think you're right, Sammy…" Dean pets her hood before taking off the Christmas garland and bauble. Wrapping it around Ruby's corpse, the boys drag her around the corner to dispose of her. The entity, calmer now because order and balance have been restored, purrs contentedly. No demons better mess with her boys and nobody…nobody better mess with the prettiness of Baby!


	16. Chapter 16

* after getting struck by lightening in Wishful Thinking *

That night, at a new motel in a new town, Dean has gone out to get food while Sam reaches towards his laptop to research this week's current baddie. He feels a sizzle in his fingertips as the computer screen flickers and turns on without him touching it. He pulls back his hand, looks at his fingers and frowns. He reaches towards the computer again and the screen goes blank. Huh. Turning, he looks around the room and strides towards the television. As he nears it, he hears a 'zzssst' and the TV turns on, flipping channels wildly. At the same time, the clock radio near the bed starts to play Judas Priest's 'Electric Eye' while the time flips rapidly on the clock face, the alarm going off to add to the din. The lamps click on and off randomly and the light in the bathroom turns on.

Suddenly everything shuts off as Dean walks in with a pizza, "Dude? What was all that noise?"

Shaken, Sam tells his brother what just happened.

"Try turning on the computer again" Dean suggests.

Sam goes to turn it on and it pops to life without him touching it, "See, Dean? It must have something to do with me getting hit by that bolt of lightening. I'm electrified now or something…"

"What the hell? Maybe Bobby knows how to de-electrify you?" Dean asks.

A picture of Bobby flashes on the computer screen and the radio starts to play "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown".

Dean looks at Sam, "Now that's just weird…"

"I just thought about him and there he is…"

"And the sound track?"

Sam shrugs, "No idea…" He pulls out his cell phone and concentrates, willing it to call Bobby without him touching it. Sure enough, after two seconds, a ringing can be heard and Bobby's voice, "Yea?"

Sam wordlessly holds out the phone to Dean, who grabs it and says, "Bobby? Something's up with Sam…"

While Dean's on the phone with Bobby, Sam walks around the room experimenting with turning on and off all the electrical appliances in the room.

Dean hangs up and hands Sam back his cell. "Bobby thinks it may be just temporary but to lay low until he gets here and you're not to touch anything or think about anything until then. Can you control it?"

"Not yet" Sam replies "But if I'm further than two feet away, it doesn't work…"

Sam hears his cell phone chime a distinct tone. It's Ruby's signal…means she's outside waiting for him in the dark. The radio suddenly starts to play Skynard's 'Free Bird'. Dean looks at it in surprise, head cocked, before giving Sam a quizzical look.

Sam shrugs back with a sickly smile. Crap, that's all he needs now…ever since they had sex that one time, she's been after him like a girlie dog in heat and he's tired of it. He's never going down that particular road again but she doesn't seem to _get_ it and Sam's on his last shred of patience. He can't just ignore her, though, especially if she has demon business to talk about…

"Uh…Dean? I'm just gonna go out for a minute…"

"Bobby said to lay low and we lay low, Sam!"

"Yea, I will…just need some air…be right back…"

Sam leaves the room, goes outside, looking around for Ruby. He sees her peeking around the side of the building and, when she motions to him, he goes into the shadows with her.

With a growl she thinks is sexy, Ruby pushes Sam back up against the building, "Come on, my shexy Shammy, momma needsh shome shugar!" pressing her lips onto his and running her hands underneath his shirt, over his rock-hard abs (sorry, I just had to !)

"Ruby, wai-" Sam tries to warn her but with a pop and a sizzle, Ruby starts to smoke as soon as she touches him, She snaps back, electricity zinging over her body, lips frozen (wait, that's normal!), arms and legs twitching in a bizarre dance, until finally, she falls backwards into the bushes, dead.

Sam gives a mumbled, "Crap…oops, sorry Ruby…"

He tries to feel regret – she was a good demon, after all, but instead has a rush of relief that he doesn't have to kiss her weird lips ever again or listen to her mind-numbing lisping of his name.

He looks quickly around to see if anyone saw what happened and, seeing no one, backs away from the still-smoking meat suit, walking away quick. As he nears the room, he gets to snickering, "Shoulda gone on a diet, Ruby…Shammy's shugar is hazardoush to your health…"

He enters the room, shuts the door and leans back on it. Dean, seeing his smiling face, says, "What?"

"Seems this electricity thing kills demons…I just took out Ruby with a kiss…"

"Come on, man! Now you have Lips of Lightening in addition to Abs of Steel and the Hand of Smite? Not fair! All I have are Holy Pecs! I want a do-over, dude!"

"Dean, grow up! You have God watching over you, what more do you want?"

"I want a cool power, too! I want to throw flames out of my eyes or touch something and make it melt..."

"You have Fists of Fury, ok? You can hit faster than most people can see it coming, Bruce Lee..."

Dean smiles, "Fists of Fury, huh? I like it, Sammy, heh heh. Hey listen, think you can heat up the pizza, One Man Electrical Band? It's as cold as the beer by now…"

Sam sighs, making his way towards the food, wondering if he could just give Dean one good zap…


	17. Chapter 17

The interviewer pushes the microphone closer, "Mr. Kripke, tell us about the character of Ruby and her future on the show."

The slight man smiles and takes a drink out of a bottle before replying, "The actress who plays Ruby was originally supposed to appear in only two to three episodes but since she did so well in the role, with her talent and acting only exceeded by her diction and beauty, we have kept her on indefinitely, even though we don't really have a direction for the character yet – and haven't since the beginning of Season 3."

Kripke shrugs, "I have every confidence in my writers, however, that we'll get there soon – if not this Season, then in the next. Eventually, we'll decide what to do with the character and then write up some new background for her so it fits in with the show. The fans will accept her because Sam and Dean love her. They're best buds and they fight evil together now, as a gang."

Kripke takes another deep drink before he continues, "Plus, the fans really like the 'good demon who used to be human and now is in love with Sam' character and the ratings from their love scene was so high that we're going to have them embark on an affair, jumping into bed whenever they're in a scene together no matter if it fits in with the storyline or not. What the fans really want, regardless of what they say, is more Ruby, more Sam, and more hot Samuby sex. Shirtless Sam will be enough to keep the fans distracted anyway until we figure out just what to do with Ruby's character."

The interviewer asks, "So she'll stay a 'good demon' as far as you can see?"

Again, Kripke takes a long swig from his bottle, "Maybe she'll go evil…maybe she won't…who knows at this point? We're all too busy writing for the show to focus on character development for her...But the fans shouldn't worry. Just trust us to know what they need and to give it to them. Don't question us because it'll only make us more stubborn about keeping Ruby on the show."

In the midst of taking another drink, Kripke stops short when the door suddenly bursts open and in rushes….ERIC KRIPKE. He knocks the bottle of liquid out of the first Kripke's hand and it falls to the floor, shattering glass everywhere. With an unholy scream, the first Kripke falls down to the floor on hands and knees, body and head changing in front of the interviewer's eyes. The face morphs, pulling and twisting, balding head growing blond straight hair, lipstick appearing on lips stretched into a fake smile, shirt and jeans being replaced by a tailored power suit…until finally, Dawn Ostroff sits there, looking up in confusion.

Mouth hanging open, the interviewer looks at Dawn O and then at the new Kripke, "What just happened?"

Kripke replies, "For over a year and a half, this witch has kept me prisoner in a trunk and has been impersonating me using polyjuice potion! And all because I wanted to get rid of the character of Ruby since the second episode she was in. Dawn wanted more T & A and refused to listen to reason-even though my show brings in more viewers than any other on our network. It didn't matter. She was dead set on keeping Ruby no matter what I said or did. Well, I just got done watching Season 3 and the first half of Season 4 and she's ruined my mytharc! Demons were never human once, Dawn! How could you! This character was never written to be on for more than two shows and you've totally ruined Sam and Dean for me and for all the fans all over the world. Sam sleeping with a demon! Never! Dean accepting her as one of the gang? He'd sooner rip out his eyes! The angels were a nice touch, I'll give you that but other than that, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix this mess! You should be ashamed of yourself! And all because you wanted to turn this show into a Gossip Girls wanna be. Couldn't just understand that this show has always been and will always be about the brothers, the car and the open road! I can't believe you did this but it stops now! You're going back to your office and your executive washroom and let me do what I do best – write the best damn show on television!"

With that, Kripke turned on his heel and walked towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Dawn O called fearfully.

"I'm gonna go write the fastest, meanest way I can think of to Smite the Ruby! She's gone as of now! And the lisping, no-talent actress is gone with her!"

"You can't do this!!!!"

"No? Watch me!" Kripke stomps out, goes to his desk and writes an episode where both Sam and Dean quickly and efficiently kill the evil character Ruby.

Yeah!!!

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ok, stole the polyjuice idea but don't think Harry Potter would mind - it's for a good cause, after all


	18. Chapter 18

Just a quick little smite!

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"Ruby, meet me outside in an hour" Sam's voicemail says.

With a satisfied smirk, Ruby goes to a mirror, swiveling her hips in time to an imaginary beat, stopping to give a 'sssht' and touching a finger to her hip like she's on fire.

Looking at her reflection, she combs her hair, brushes her teeth and sprays perfume on her neck. She whispers, "sham…" and then again, trying to get her lips to form the word more clearly, "SHHHam…….".

She sighs, knowing that Sam secretly hates her lisp. She picks up a book she got at the library, _Lisping_ _Lip Exercises, _and turns to the first page. She studies the diagram and looks in the mirror, holding her lips with her fingers to make them move around the words, "I will EEEE—NUUN---SHEEE---ATE my shyllablesh…"

She tries again, "EEEE---NUN---SHHEEE---ATE…"

She makes a face at herself in the mirror, "Thish Shucksh!"

Taking a deep breath, she says as rapidly as possible, "Sham, sham, sham, sham, sham, sham ,sam, sam…SAM…SAM!!!"

With a hop up and down and a clap of her hands, she says it again, "Sam, Sam, Sam! I did it! Oh, yeah, who's the demon! No more lisp! No more spitting on people! Go Ruby, Go Ruby! Now maybe Sam will love me! Maybe Ruby'll be getting a little something something tonight!"

Carrying the book, she dances her way down to the car and hops in, hurriedly driving to meet her handsome love interest. She jumps out of the car when she sees Sam round the corner of the motel and runs over to him, hopping up and down in excitement.

"Hey Ruby" Sam says.

"Sam! It's so good to see you again." Ruby says with a grin.

Sam's eyes narrow and he suddenly reaches out a hand towards the demon, making her retch and heave, her demon smoke billowing out of her in waves.

"Sam" she gasps, "What are you doing?"

"I'm sending your evil soul back to hell, whoever you are…"

"It's me, Sam…Ruby" she coughs, trying to speak.

"Like hell…Ruby talks with a lisp…I don't know who you are but you're not her…" and with a twist of his fist, he finishes pulling the smoke out of the meat suit and sends the demon back to hell.

Sam looks down in satisfaction at the dead body, "Shmoking! Now, how in hell did you get Ruby's car, whoever you are?"

He looks in the front seat and sees the book, _Lisping_ _Lip Exercises,_ re-reading the title twice to be sure he understands and looks from it to the meat suit lying on the sidewalk, "Oh crap…"

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I love reviews so hit the little button and feedback me if the feeling moves you. Also, if you have any ideas on how to smite Ruby - PM me! I'm always looking for new ideas!


	19. Chapter 19

**(This is in response to a plot bunny that came from 'sadie e a' here on fanfiction-thanks sadie!)**

Ruby listens to the same tired argument all over again…"Sam, she's a demon…", "Dean, she's a good demon…", "Sam, she can't be trusted…" Yadda yadda yadda…

She sighs, leaning against the Impala waiting for Sam, letting the angry words between the brothers wash over her. Shaking her head, she wishes he'd hurry up. The demon she's come to tell them about will be gone unless Sam moves his butt and comes with her.

Suddenly, Ruby spies the white box on the driver's seat of the Impala and reaches through the open window for it. Opening it, she inhales the scent of fresh baked apple pie. She sneaks a glance back at the brothers, still too intent on yelling at each other to notice her anymore. In fact, Dean is so mad he's got out his scotch flask and is taking a deep swig. Grinning, she scoops up a piece of pie, putting it in her mouth quickly and moving the other pieces around so no one will see anything's missing. Swallowing, she nods in satisfaction…delicious…no wonder Dean loves pie so much!

It's just a few seconds later that she starts to feel the itch in her throat and her face becomes hot. She coughs and scratches at her face, feeling the heat in her cheeks beneath her fingers. Shoot, the meat suit must be allergic to apples!

"What the…" she doesn't complete the thought but just coughs again and suddenly her throat closes over her windpipe and she can't breathe…can't breathe. She clutches at her neck, gurgling, choking, reaching out to blindly hit the Impala's horn to get Sam's attention.

Both boys look over at her and she sees their alarmed faces before she sinks to the sidewalk, gasping for air, fingers clawing at the car. Suddenly, the boys are around her, helping her up, trying to figure out what she's choking on but it's too late…the meat suit is suffocating, dying, and Ruby needs to get out…go somewhere else but where…where…

The black smoke spews out of the meat suit through the nose and ears because the mouth's opening is swelled shut. Swirling around in a cloud, Ruby's essence darts here and there until suddenly finds a vessel…Dean's open scotch flask. She slithers in with a tiny splash.

Dean raises his eyebrows at Sam and they both look into the flask.

"Ruby?" Sam calls into the container.

A tiny voice warbles up, "Sham…(hic)…mime hokay (hic) but you need shome help….I mean…me needsh you…(hic)…shay, thish shtuff ish kinda tashty … (slurp … hic … buurrppp)…hee hee…my lipsh don't wanna work anymore (buuurppp) oh, pardona mwah…hee…"

Sam looks at Dean, "What do we do?"

Dean says, "Screw Ruby…what about my scotch?"

"Dean…" Sam gives him a disgusted look, "Cap her up till we figure out what to do with her…"

Dean twists the top closed and suddenly sees the box of pie open on the seat of the Impala. Anger makes his voice clip the words, "Dude….She...Ate...My...Pie…she's outta here!" and throws the flask as hard and as far as he can into the open field next to them.

Sam looks after it in frustration, "Great, Dean…just great! Now we have to worry about somebody finding her and letting her out…"

"No, you don't…" Castiel's voice comes from behind them and when they turn, he's holding the flask in his hand, "I'll take her…we'll detox her in heaven and send her back to the pit off camera, that way her bad acting and expressionless delivery won't take up any more screen time. Now the writers can get back to doing what they should have been doing in the first place…continuing the story about two brothers, fighting evil, on the best road trip ever and screw the 'Ruby is a good demon' storyline.

Dean smirks, "Since when does an angel say 'screw'?"

"It's good to speak a language you both understand." Castiel responds and walks away, uncapping the flask to hear Ruby singing, "Rye whishkey, rye whishkey, why rishkey I cry (hic), if I can't have why rishksey I shink I will die (hic)….hee hee…"

He looks back at the brothers with a pained expression, looks heavenward for strength and caps the container back up, disappearing into the night with a flutter of wings.

Dean swats Sam across the head, "Dude…you slept with that skank, so the way I see it, you owe me a new flask…and some more pie…"

Sam bites his tongue before he can tell Dean what he can do with his pie…

:)


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